Spaghetti Bolognese for Scavengers

Haven't posted for a while. Lots going on - more copywriting, more coverage, signed with a management agency and about to embark on rewrites. I'm rapidly approaching the point where I'll be getting paid more to write than to answer the phone.

But still, I'd be remiss if I didn't record for the ages tonight's successful attempt at spaghetti bolognese.

2 medium sized onions
2 carrots
a hell of a lot of minced garlic
tablespoon of olive oil
that ground beef left over from sloppy joe night
balsamic vinegar
can of tomatoes
basil
oregano
parsley
red wine
milk (no, seriously)
Special guest appearance by:
tomato soup

1. Promise husband you'll make him spaghetti bolognese. Begin by scouring the cabinet to see what you have. Discover that there is no more tomato paste. Tell husband you can't make dinner after all - only to find that husband has barricaded himself in study and is pretending not to hear you. Go for it anyway.

2. Finely mince onion and carrot, then saute with the garlic and olive oil in a heavy pot for five minutes. Continue to fret over how to replace tomato paste until the vegetables have softened.

3. Create well in the middle of veggies and add half the ground beef, breaking up with edge of spoon. Add a splash of balsamic vinegar (SECRET INGREDIENT!) for tenderizing/flavor. Husband is drawn by smell of meat. Allow him to insist on adding the second half of ground beef. Perfect!

4. Add can of tomatoes, one cup red wine, and a splash of milk. Look in dismay upon the result that appears completely un-bolognese like. Debate with husband possible substitutions (ketchup? Worchestershire (sp?) sauce? Chipotle pepper liquid?) before remembering that there is a can of tomato soup in the pantry! Have husband fetch. Rip off "Easy-Open" pop top lid. Gash finger wide open on jagged metal edge of can. Scream until husband comes rushing over with napkins and hugs to make it all better. Proceed to finish using only the left hand from this point on.

5. Husband adds entire can of tomato soup. Bolognese sauce now looks like Bolognese soup. Add in extra heavy amounts of basil, oregano, parsley, and a little bit more of the garlic liquid. Sadly pour out that last glass of wine from the half drunk bottle of two buck Chuck. Realize you're going to have to let this boil down by half before you can eat. Call mom so you'll have someone to talk to as you stand here stirring the pot for the next fifteen minutes so the bottom doesn't burn.

6. You remembered to start boiling water for the pasta, right, back around step 2? Better hurry up and get a pot of noodles going, bud.

7. Watch in growing amazement as - against all odds - the items in the pot actually begin to resemble bolognese sauce. Drain pasta, serve into bowls, and ladle sauce on top. Coat heavily with parmesan cheese and bon appetit! It's not the best thing you've ever made, but you and husband both scarf down a big bowl apiece.

Happy cooking.